I honestly don’t know where to begin this post but I felt that I needed to share this. Normally I keep my personal life hidden from most social media as that’s what works best for our family. There are times though when I feel that sharing our experiences, whether good or bad can be truly beneficial. So here it goes….
In the beginning of May George and I learned that we were going to be parents again! We were definitely excited and of course a little nervous as that was going to make our children only 19 months apart. Before we decided to have children we knew that we wanted to have them closer together if we could. So we were a little shocked when things worked out and another little one was on the way!
I called made my appointmens and we went in for an ultrasound. The tech did her thing and when she was finished she told us that the baby was measuring a few weeks younger than what we thought. I guess that can happen but I just had an uneasy feeling about it. On the way home George and I talked about it all, the good and bad of what this could mean. Obviously we remained positive as the tech had been positive and of course we had seen that little heart beat just a fluttering on the screen. We also had some photos to take home, which I was so thankful for.
A month later I went in for my 10 week appointment and we couldn’t get the baby’s heart beat on the doppler so my mid-wife had me come back 2 weeks later. That appointment was scheduled on July 24th, our 7th wedding anniversary. I went to the appointment and again, she couldn’t find a heart beat. At this point I knew something was wrong and part of me had known right from the time of that 1st ultrasound. Luckily they were able to get me in for an ultrasound right then and that’s when they discovered that there was no longer a heart beat and the baby had stopped growing.
Although a part of me had known, it was still a shock. I got myself through the rest of the appointment trying to focus on what they were saying. I found out that I would be having a procedure to remove everything and we worked on setting everything up. I got outside, into my car and got myself home where thankfully George was waiting for me. It’s now been over a week since we found out and I feel like I’m still in shock. I still keep feeling all of these things. Things I never thought I’d feel and it’s really strange. I know in my heart that there was something wrong and that’s why God took our baby to be with him. Our baby wasn’t meant for this world, but it still seems so unfair. I had no signs at all that I was having a miscarriage except for the fact that the baby was measuring small. I never bled, felt any cramping or pain. I felt very pregnant the entire time and only within the last week have I felt a little less pregnant. I discovered that this is pretty uncommon which makes the D&C procedure even more important to have done. D&Cs are common for a number of reasons and thankfully a pretty simple procedure. I shouldn’t have much pain and the recovery period is quick. These are all things that I am definitely thankful for.
But there is still the fact that we are left without our baby. Today I will have the procedure done and on this day I would have been 16 weeks along. This is normally the time you start feeling the baby move and finally start to look pregnant. Unfortunately I will be saying good bye to my baby today. It’s hard to start re-thinking the plans I was making for having another child. This baby was coming at the perfect time as it would have been arriving in January. I now have to step back and begin to think differently about what our future holds. I know in my heart that God will give us another child, or at least this is what I pray for. If not, than I am so thankful and grateful to have the beautiful little girl that we do. I’ve been more thankful for her than ever as she has been helping me to get through this with all of her snuggles, kisses & silly ways.
One of the most difficult parts of having a miscarriage, for me anyways, is that you are truly the only person that it happens to. I know that it’s also George’s baby but growing a child in your womb is only an experience that a mother can have. You feel attached as soon as you know you’re pregnant. That’s when you begin daydreaming and thinking of what your tiny nugget will look like and who they’ll become. So when something like this happens there’s a part of you that just feels alone and empty. It’s a grief that you alone hold. I now understand why it’s difficult for women to talk about miscarriages. It really would be easier to just keep it to myself and try to deal with it. But I want other women to know that they are not alone because unfortunately miscarriages happen much more often than we realize.
I also want to say that there was a big part of me that didn’t want to write this post because I didn’t want people to think that I was looking to receive sympathy. I wrote this as a way to validate my sweet baby’s life, no matter how short it may have been. I wrote this as a way to help myself heal and to process what has happened. My hope is that this might help another who is going through something similar or knows of someone who is. Loss is never easy, especially when there are no real answers as to why it’s happened. What I do know is this, God has a plan beyond our understanding and as we walk through life we must trust in him. I know that God is good and I truly have so much to be thankful for. So thank you to all those people who have been so supportive during this time. You guys mean the world to me and I love you! And sweet baby I know that I will get to meet you one day <3
Photo credit to Julia McCormick Photography <3
Darlene Schmitt - Oh Kyla, I had no idea. We saw you just 2 days after you had been given the devestating news, and you were as sweet as ever, not to mention professional and focused on Lauren’s senior pictures. My heart aches for you, and I will keep you in my prayers. God has a plan for you and your beautiful family, of this I am sure.
Alison - So sorry to hear of your loss Kayla. I have lost 2 babies to m/c and one to anencephaly. We all need to talk about this and lend an ear to our sisters going through the same grief, sorrow and pain. My first m/c was 27 years ago, then I had one after the girls were born and we lost Ben 18 years ago on Sept. 3. The minute you see that + on a pregnancy test, you begin to plan for your baby. You don’t expect to say goodbye before meeting them or feeling their touch. Unfortunately you have joined a club no woman wants to join and there are so many of us! The pain lessens, but you will always remember the date your plans ended and you had to say good bye. We tell ourselves it happened for a reason and God has a plan, but it still hurts! After losing Ben I was so angry…at everything! But Ben sent us Jonathan and I can ‘t imagine our lives without him. Take time to grieve your little one even as you find joy in your daughter. You will always have a tiny angel and a piece of you and George in heaven. (HUGS). If you ever want to talk, cry or just need someone who understands your loss, call me. We are in the book or your parents have our number.
Rebecca - Miscarriages are hard. You grieve and have no idea what comes next in your grieving process. You think you’ve moved on and a routine event knocks your breath out and instantly transports you back to those dark days. You have big feelings that are ghosts of that “should have been”. Attending a child’s birthday party? Having fun until you start realizing which children would have been their playmates. The places they would have held and roles they would have filled. They all hit you when you finally think it’s safe to let your guard down.
Talk, share, cry. Lean on others and let them lean on you. Everyone has different expectations and experiences, so keep talking and sharing. Your feelings today will not be how you feel in six months, nine months, a year. Your views may change as you learn and grow through the pain and grief. You may need to sit out important events because you have no more “you” to share. And it might cause others to be upset with you.
My days of being pregnant were the happiest and most fulfilled I have EVER felt. I can’t even claim weeks of knowing I was pregnant, despite two pregnancies. I still have no children and have only recently been able to be near two of my nephews. My wedding ring tan line is long gone.
On the other side of all the negatives, I am closer to my parents than I ever thought possible. Know far more about myself. I have regained the spark that had faded before the miscarriages. I’ve built an emotional support network that I didn’t know how to even begin to create. I opened the little boxes in my head and heart that I’d kept hidden and protected, not knowing that they needed to be opened for me to heal and grow closer in my relationships. I finally left what was killing me and stepped back out into the world with an ever growing focus on what family and community mean to me.
For some, miscarriages are not something they choose to talk about. And that’s ok. Collectively, we need to share our stories so that we’re not allowing our loved ones to walk that dark path alone. We need to let the light in and walk beside those who struggle. When we don’t talk, we choose to allow others to suffer more than is necessary. We can’t carry their grief for them, but we can validate feelings that aren’t always consciously recognized, let alone shared.
Thank you for sharing. Your story is different than mine, yet it is also the same in many ways.
(P.S.- Spouses and loved ones do not have the physical gift of having carried that child, but they are still grieving and struggling with what to do and how to act in a wide variety of ways. Talking helps them open up their hidden little boxes that hold their hopes and fears.)